An Open Letter to centipedes

Dear Centipede family living in my house,

Please move out. I understand that it's ungodly hot outside and that your little feet probably get burnt on the hot cement, but that is no reason for you to come into my home. I would greatly appreciate it if you left. If however, you insist on living here (rent free I might add), then please refrain from coming out in the open. Stick to the pipes and inside the walls or wherever it is you have set up you little condos.

You may have noticed that some of your family members have gone missing recently. That is because they did not comply with the aforementioned request of staying hidden. For example, do not hang out on top of the washing machine in the basement. When I walk in to do a load of whites I do not want to meet your gaze. Nor do I want to see you scamper down the side of the washer and run in circles on the basement floor trying to predict my move. I will squish you with the laundry detergent bottle. It will hurt. I will not feel bad.

Hanging out in my shower is another sure way to die. I do not appreciate opening my shower door and finding one of you chillin' in there. I will slam the door as I gasp and curse your name. Then I will retrieve the laundry detergent bottle once again. Just be glad I didn't squirt you with soap scum remover which was the closest thing to me at the time. That would have been more painful that being squished.

Let these examples be a lesson. I do not want you here. I can ignore your existence if I do not see you. But your visible presence will provoke unapologetic violence. If you value your lives you will move out or stay hidden.

Sincerely,
Shannon